I know, I know…

I’ve not blogged in 7 months.

I used to write almost every day for two years here.

The other day I said to a friend: “I’m more connected to Jesus when I’m able to process via writing.” So why haven’t I been?

• I want my “Web image” to look good. Ugh. P-r-i-d-e-f-u-l.
• I feel overwhelmed by how much “life-stuff” there is to process! Both challenging and joy-filled things, really.
• I miss writing, but I feel disconnected from it in the same sense: as if I’ve “lost the touch” or something. Oh, Lord.

So look for more from Mrs. Majorly MIA — me — soon.

Love to you all. XOXO.

Goodbye.

Amen.

I’m ending this post.

During my lunch break today I picked up the latest issue of Christianity Today — staffer Tim Spafford has written a feature in the June 2009 issue about Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Church in Manhattan. It’s an awesome article about Redeemer’s vision and “DNA.” The article quotes Scott Sherman, one of the Kellers’ first teammates and the one who planted their first New York daughter church. He speaks of Keller and his wife Kathy:

He is inexplicable apart from her. She has her fingerprints all over his brain, and I mean that in a very good way. (23)

I love this! What a compliment for his wife, and what a testament to Keller’s open heart, mind and hunger for his wife’s insight. This seems to echo the kind of wife I want to be, and the type of marriage I want to commit my life to on a daily basis.

As years go by, I want others to say of us, “Joe and Jessie are even better apart today than they were yesterday.” For others to be able to say that, I know our marriage will take work. Lots of work. Just last night we were spending time together after work and I said, “Joe, we just need to talk.” By that, I didn’t mean, “We need to talk right now, Joe, because I have this, this and this to say, and blah, blah, blah…” (This is the normal way for me to approach things without God’s help.)

Rather — we just needed to talk, reconnect! Talk about important and trivial “life-stuff.” Share what we had for lunch that day, how we were feeling in the midst of Monday ‘blahs.’ Pray together, share our hopes and confusions with one another.

Without even realizing it, there have been weeks that go by where we have not consistently connected in this way. Oftentimes it’s not the weeks themselves that are difficult, then, but what overflows into the next week! We can feel confused, disconnected or jaded with one another. Ugly.

To have a marriage like the Kellers, I know it’s going to take time. Not only to trust God with what he begun over years and years of our marriage, but also simply time. By God’s grace, we’ll need to take caution not to fill our weeks past the brim (guilty as charged), to challenge our comfort levels (a tough, talk-through-things, make-your-own spaghetti date night instead of an evening at the Olive Garden) and reseal our commitment daily by taking time to serve and encourage one another.

I want my friends and family to say similar things about me — that I am incomplete without the person for whom God intended me — my husband, my lover, the one whose fingerprints are embedded onto my very brain and heart!

Since I was a little girl, I’ve always asked: “What’s next?” Translation: “What’s bigger? What’s better?”

I’ve always loved planning big events and parties, working with logistics and people and details, but somehow still find myself discontent, regardless of the amount of money raised, friends having fun or flawless finishes.

I still struggle daily with this, i.e.:

Joe and I earn [this much], and God has blessed us during this season, but I still covet three bedroom homes and pretty curtains at World Market.

Some weeks I feel as if I’m running in circles, going a million miles an hour, and just wish my life would be a little more “quiet” like those around me. (Mistaken thinking! Life is like that for so many in America.)

Less surface-y, I wish (wish-wish-wish!) I could struggle just-a-LITTLE-less, God! with anxious thoughts, an anxious stomach and an anxious heart!

I’d like to ask the Apostle Paul: How, Paul, were you content in all your circumstances?! Like, give me the RUN.DOWN., mister. You weren’t lying through clenched teeth, right?!

Oh, I want to know this secret of his, to being content in all circumstances regardless of “plenty or want.”

I think it has to do with meditating on Jesus’ offer of abundant life for me — maybe not via new clothes and pretty earrings and a put-together apartment (…definitely not), but in God’s “glorious riches” through his own Son.

Thank you, God, that this is true. Help me believe it — and embrace you, instead of temporary things that don’t really satisfy me anyway.

Last week I checked my work e-mail from home through Yahoo!, and this article caught my eye.

Under Yahoo!’s lifestyles website “Shine,” Brett Blumenthal, founder of Sheer Balance (a go-to wellness and health site laden with networking and resources) expands upon 8 personality types who are “toxic to our happiness, our mental 0utlook, our self esteem and our lives.” Ms. Blumenthal even relays that “they can suck the life out of us and shorten our lifespan.”

Ouch.

Perhaps I’m off base here, but gosh, these tips are not going to help me out, or I’ll be avoiding my husband, my closest friends and disowning myself! I’ve been — at times — all of these “toxic personality” types. I’ve silently judged my best friends; I’ve acted out in narcissism toward my husband.

I want to ask Ms. Blumenthal this: If I’m to love myself and protect my self esteem and self worth, how is it that I can avoid others avoiding me when they realize that I’m “that girl” who’s going to take minutes away from their lives quicker than picking up a cigarette habit?

The truth is: I am but dust!

The God of the universe is above and beyond in holiness (set-apartness) compared to my toxicity.

And he did something about it! While I was enraptured with myself, worshipping creation and not the Creator, Christ died. For me. For you.

And death didn’t defeat him! God raised him from the dead, so we too may live a new life. Not bound by our performance, or by the pH level of our toxic nature on a day when I am a “Dream-Killing Keith.”

And all we have to do? Say “Yes” to the free gift. The gift in full — grace in full from God, out for you — and out for me.

Your life, oh Never-Enough Nellie, is not in vain. Nor are your deep-down desires to get close to people, even when every part of you wants to avoid them altogether.

Ms. Blumenthal, I agree: Life is short. People are messy.

But I am too. And really, if I met you, I’d probably want you to like me, despite my flaws.

This past Sunday Joe and I celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary! The day was simple but perfect: CT (Central Teaching, the Sunday gathering at our church), pancakes and eggs for lunch, gifts (an iTunes gift card for him, and a iPod dock for me — not balanced, really!) and a picnic at Whetstone Park (sandwiches and homemade couscous salad and mango salsa — you’d think we’re health nuts, but we stopped for Dairy Queen after our ‘granola’ dinner!).

If you’ve been alongside me for the past year or two or three — but especially the past year, you’ve probably noted either a.) How messy I am, b.) How crazy I seem, or c.) That God seems to be shaping my heart in a unique way. Tenderizing it. Which makes me sound like a piece of meat, but any way I try to explain it it comes out the same: I am broken. Through Jesus God glues me together and sees me whole, not as a bunch of mismatched puzzle pieces. This has been good. And difficult. But especially good because of this sweet man Jesus united me with last year.

Here’s a few ways that God has shown me his grace (a completely unmerited favor or gift) through Joe:

• I’ve realized how deeply pride is embedded into my innermost being. Before marriage, I think I’d fooled myself into thinking that, “Eh, I’m not that selfish, envious, bitter…that’s them [fill-in-the-blank person with issues that 'I don't have']…” Whew. What a lie! I’m all of these — and often all at once! In very real ways, Joe has made me thankful that my worth in life is not dependent upon my moment-by-moment actions, but on the acceptance that God has granted to me through his Son. He’s shown me love when I’ve not deserved it, and drawn near to me when the last thing I wanted to do was engage in conversation. So thankful.
• I’ve been able to ‘let down my hair’ a little! A lot, actually. For example: If it were up to me, our new kitty Andy wouldn’t sleep on the edge of the bed because he sheds a ton and we end up washing our linens all. the. time. But Joe, in his gentle way, says, “Jessie, it doesn’t really matter; PLUS, Andy really wants to sleep with us!” And I cave in. Every time. (That’s a silly example, but at least a weekly issue!)
• Joe is so-o-o different than me! When I first started shooting Joe ‘the look’ (you know what I mean, girls!) in the Black and Magenta office a few years ago, and as we began to spend time together exploring faith in Jesus with other friends at Muskingum College, I began to think, “We are so alike! This is great!” Which is true — to some degree! — but wow, are we different! Joe needs a night in to rest up from a crazy weekend of travel, and I’m ready to go out with friends by Monday evening. He loves board games; I don’t. He thinks before he speaks; sometimes I ‘blurt and regret.’ Thank you, God, that we are so different, but brought together as one flesh to represent Christ and his Church, and the loving pursuit he has for us, regardless of our character flaws and [in]differences.

Happy Anniversary, Joe. I love you.

Katie and me, about an hour before my wedding this past May!

My best friend turns 23 today!

Here’s a few reasons (both silly & serious!) explaining why Katie — my best friend and a friend to many — is so loved:

1. The morning of my wedding, she prayed for me, made me hot tea and toast and held my hand as my “day-of” anxiety spiked around 6 a.m. Oh, let’s not forget to mention that she was a maid of honor two weekends in a row — her best friend from home was married the Saturday prior to my wedding!
2. She makes gorgeous paper flowers.
3. When she has a good mix CD playing in her car, she’ll often snap her fingers, do a little dance and take her hands off the wheel as she drives!
4. She’s gifted in sharing the message about Jesus with others.
5. Her handwriting could — and really should! — be made into a font.
6. She loves learning about other cultures and always wants to the bigger picture of how God is working in the world.
7. Her family is sweet, funny and supportive.
8. She will — at any time of day — share mate with you. Oh, and stay up all night because of the caffeine in it.
9. She wants to simplify her life.
10. God is softening her heart toward His plans for her life. And she’s responding, “Here I am, Lord.”
11. She is beautiful!
12. Her time in Argentina was a period of growth, memories and trusting God…
13. …and let’s not forget that she is fluent in Spanish!
14. 90′s country is her favorite.
15. She invited me on a road trip to visit her family in Tennessee a few summers ago before both of us headed off to our summer projects.
16. When she gets excited about something, she talks reallyfastandyoucan’treallyunderstandher.
17. She’ll go far and wide to be a good friend.
18. Woodworking is a skill of hers!
19. She’s smart — a really good writer, communicator and well-read!
20. She can’t really sing, but she sings loud anyway! (And she’ll readily admit it, too.)
21. She’s honest about her desires — to be married someday, to partner with God in reaching the world, to live outside her comfort zone and the “American dream.”
22. She makes some mean ethnic food.
23. Quality time speaks volumes to her — and a day with Katie is well-spent, to be sure.